5 am

I miss you....


its 5 am....
I woke up feeling hungry as usual
I am not sure what my body is telling me .....
(or maybe somebody is thinking of me that what my heart told me)

And then he reaches out. I think it must mean something, that I must mean something. And I go back on every promise. I go back on every word I’ve ever written. I convince myself he has to feel this too. I allow for his excuses.
“He’s scared.”
“He’s not ready.”
“He’s not over his ex.”

I plead with my own ego. I play Russian roulette with the little dignity I have left. I look at this crumbling figure back in the mirror. I don't remember when the last time I saw him
 did he lie to me or maybe I did convince myself  one day, he’s going to see me for everything I am. I won’t be his emotional pillow. His selfish comfort. I am placeholder. I am temptation, something to ease the lonely. I am a guy he never wanted to begin with.
But the truth is, for the first time I can’t figure out how to reason myself, or even explained his action  . This is irrational, and dirty. This is ugly and a time I will look back on and feel pity for the foolish  I was. I am so goddamn lost and keep hoping his body will be the compass that leads me the right way. His eyes are lighthouses, but his hands sirens. I am shipwreck.
But before I know it, it’s 5 am and I need to breathe of fresh air....this feeling ....is somehow familiar.....I just miss you thats all ....

please don't take too long.....

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